These past couple of days have been dragging on. My life seems so routine. I miss my friends. I’ve been sick in bed lately and don’t know what to do with myself. It’s quite sad actually.. All I did was sleep today. I’ve already lost 5 lbs. in just 2 or 3 days. My eyes have bags and i feel worthless. I haven’t talked to anyone outside of my family face to face since Friday..It’s pathetic. I’m beginning to miss seeing people. At the same time though, I’m glad I’m alone. It gives me time to look back…Scratch that..I hate being alone…I’m content with being lonely i suppose…i don’t know honestly.
I thought about what would hapen if I were dead..or just never born…Let me tell you, I don’t think i would effect anyone or anything. Sometimes I feel like just sinking into the earth and becoming a part of it. Other days I just feel like exploding into ashes and just drifting off into the sky. And of course I have those days were I wish I carried a gun. But thats just my messed up brain. I wonder if anyone is reading this…
If so, I’m not as crazy as I seem..I don’t think anyway. I am still extremely stressed over school and such. I’m tired of my tiny environment. I don’t want to see the same faces anymore. I just want to do something worthwhile. I want a natural high or something. Maybe this is just me rambling at midnight.. I don’t even know what I am saying…But I’m fine with that. I know deep down I’m kind of crazy..I just don’t want to admit it….HAHAHAHA. gosh… i think i need therapy or something.. ):
Nahh…I’m just tired….I should really stop rambling…
GOODNIGHT
SORRY! I haven’t posted anything since the 5th! I’ve been really busy with auditions for highschool studying for entrance exams, trying to learn a song and monologue for my audition, and of course school. I’m gonna try to post at least 3 times a week from now on. I don’t want to quit..I’m just getting started. I will add some new stuff to pages and add new ones aswell. Hahah its midnight.. I’ve been staying up until about 3 AM every night this week.. I look like a zombie!
Today I watched the Golden Globe Awards…The only reason i did was to see how many awards Glee won…LOVE THAT SHOW…Matthew Morrison is sooo yummy! And Chris Colfer is tooo…(to bad he’s gay)..WHy is hotness wasted on gays??? WHY!!!!?
And why did Helena Bonham Carter wear mismatched shoes?? LOL… It’s so sad.. I am becoming obssessed with all this celebrity stuff…No more E! News for me. I never seem to stay on topic on these posts…i should get tested for attention disorders or something..LOL…
Its probably just my lack of sleep…Okay I’m tired. GOODNIGHT AND HAPPY MLKJ DAY!!!
Okay people…..JUSTIN BIEBER??? REALLLY?
I get it she sings really well…but when you buy a freking doll and say you make out wit it every night..thats crossing the line… when you changed your last name to Bieber ( i don’t even think i spelled it right!) thats crossing the line.
Yes…i am talking about fan obssessioonnss. LORD…HELP THEM.
Anyway..Day 2 school=
not great. It was boring just like i remember….And to you few sick people viewing my blog…(jk i love you) im sorry for putting you through this terrible post.
Today i saw my dad cry. It doesn’t really matter that I’m saying this cuz none of you know him. He cried because he wants me to do well in life and not end up like him…thats when i told him “dad you know if we moved to texas or somewhere we would be able to aford a reallllly nice house” i have absolutley no idea why the heck i said it but i did. This is like one of those times when my sister came over to my room in the middle of the night, woke me up, and said “i like toast”, then left…Yep thats my family for yah. Anyway..I am filling out highschool application forms and shit like that because i am going to a school of arts..and the the stupid information is twice as long as what youu would have 2 fill out to go to a normal school. Anyway…I’m in the middle of writing an essay for the last part of it..when my dad starts crying saying he wants me to go to MD. (mater dei). I stare at him opened mouthed…after filling out all thins stupid paperwork..he tells me now that he wants me to go to another school? Thats when my brain fart exploded and i said that stuff about Texas. He went to that school..which basically if you go there you are destined to be a brain surgeon or whatever..he went to that school..but because he was more of a jock (so he says) than a brain he transfered to a public hs. So then he turned everything i said about wanting to go to the highschool of my choice into a life lesson (as he always does). And i am writting this huge paragraph that i don’t think anyone understands. So now i feel guilty…that he actually cried and i sorta laughed cuz..seeing him cry is like seeing lion hug a mouse..its strange….anyway so now he is making me fill out another application for another highschool and take an entrance exam there to “just incase”
OHMYLANTA!!!!! WHYYY??
I’m gonna end up going to the school i want though…Matthew Morrison graduated from the school i wanna go to!!! You know him right? the guy from Glee….? yes i want to go there!
Longest Day EVER. i got up…checked my Homework on some website my school uses.. and watched a video on youtube that made me high by just watching it.. here..Tell me this does not make u feel high
Anyway I went to school feeling like that…I can’t even remember how many teachers gave me weird looks..its not like i smelled like pot or anything (never tried it never will). But it was that i went 2 sleep like at 3 am and on top of that the video…LOL. Anyway..it was cool seeing friends i hadn’t seen in a little while again..I basically just laughed all of today for no reason…then came P.E. time….ay ay ay
we are doing b-ball…haha…he made us do drills and drills and….drills. THEN, of course, right after school i had to play in a basketball game for my school -_-
It was a tough game. We went into triple overtime ( means we where tied and had three minutes to break the tie..then tied in the three minutes and finally broke the tie). I scored the tie-breaking basket (: So our team is so far undeafeted 2 years in a row + 1 game..
I got home..ate subway…and now I am miserably procrastinating from about 7249247 hours worth of homework..
I HATE SCHOOL
School is gonna b back in session tomorrow..and I’m freaking sick???!!! REALLY? On top of that…My mom is forcing me to watch a scary movie that is nausiating me…can you say THROWUP? Anyway…great way to start of my New Year huh?
I’m sorta glad to be going to school…for once..I get pretty bored…I’m not to glad to see any boys in my class…My school..is TINY…only 24 kids in my entire class…and all but 10 are guys…you think that’d be a good thing..but its terrible… absolutely terrible..
Anyway this movie is gross. Why are the victims who are girls always such idiots..its like..LOOK BEHIND YOU….or…DON’T GO THROUGH THE DOOR…SHOOT HIM…something… These movie directors gotta get some new material..
Okay this gore is NASTY…doctors..nurses..how do they do it?
WOW. It’s the New Year…2011!!!! I would just kinda like to look back really quickly on the past year..okay…I actually don’t remember much .. but It was a pretty crappy year…just saying.. I got into fights with people i didn’t want to get into fights with …and some i kinda did. Someone left my life…and I’m glad they did.What else… I got into blogging…even though that started like 10 seconds ago..in 2010 (well fine like 5-6 days ago). Honestly, I had a lame-ish year in 2010. I can’t really remember anything that happened…which is okay with me i guess.
THINGS I HATED ABOUT 2010:
~ Justin Bieber became popular in the music industry ( Justin Bieber fans..if you don’t like how much i hate him….get off my blog…she said nicely)
~ I had a part in our school play i hated.
~ People where being asswipes.
~ Boys..as always at my school..where perverted jerks..
~ Alot of other stuff that isn’t very important
~Death, peer pressure, stress with family…etc
THINGS I LOVED ABOUT 2010:
~I found out who my real friends where
~I created memories that would last hopefully a long time.
~ I gained new unlikely friends.
~I became a bit of a better person i guess.
My goals for 2011 are to obviously be a better person..keep up on this blog…focus on studies a bit more…be closer to family and friends.
DEATH. That big ugly 5 letter word. It makes people question if there really is a God..I am writing a post dedicated to the Armijo family ( a family from my school). My school is very small..so we know everyones buisness and families are very close. The father of two students who go to our school passed away today. I just got the news. I remember his kids always saying hes gonna get better..he will make it…It just breaks my heart too hear he didn’t…These kids are STRONG…They are in both 4th grade and 6th. I ask you keep him and his family in your prayers…whether you believe in God or not..they all need it.
Mr. Armijo died on 12/31/10 just before the New Year..he died of a long fought battle with cancer in his liver
A huge reason why I am writing this post is because i know what the family is feeling. I’m sure we all do..I also recently had a close cousin pass away in October. To loose someone you love so much…its terrible..It feels like a chunk of who yu once where has just been ripped out. You always ask yourself why them? Its always someone you love. Every little thing you pass reminds you of them. You begin to forget what they smell like..what they look like…what side of the cheek the dimple is on…how obnoxious they sounded when they cussed at you..how well they cooked…how she had a butterfly tattoo that you thought was tacky…how now butterflies are always following you now…you forget how good she or he was to you. You forget..You can go crazy..just thinking what the future could’ve been like…You remember never really saying goodbye….you remember seeing her when she was asleep…when she looked peacefull..you remember seeing her in her resting placing looking as beautiful s she ever will…You remember that one day it rained and you saw her and cried. You remember. You never really forget.
We all know what these kids are going through so i please ask for you to pray…what would you do if someone you loved soooo much just died and was gone out of sight forever?
This is for the Armijo kids:
I shed tears for you
who sheds tears for these children
who shead tears for these boys
who sheds a tear for this girl
when they shed tears for the rest of the world?
Who carries the weight of the world on their shoulders
while the children weep and mourn
who puts thoughts and problems to rest while all these hearts are torn?
People It’s almost the New Year! For New Years i am spending the night at my friends house..I know…i should be with family..but they aren’t gonna do much. I have a whole list of resolutions..i have never kept any of them….but this year i will keep at least one. I hope. What’s your resolution…if u have one?
Tomorrow I’m going to a museum…..? My parents think we need to spend more time with each other as a family -_- …. I woulda rather gone to San Fransisco like we planned…
Let me explain my parents to you… My mom…ay..my mom. she always loves to pick something wrong about me..it gets on my nerves..she is really strict and well she always thinks she’s right..but of course i have to live with all of that. My dad is a complete pushover but he turns everything i say into a life lesson. He is also pretty embarrasing to be around with in public. He gets mad easily too. He’s always talking about how i get on his nerves and how I’m gonna be a screw up if i don’t do certain things…My parents expect to much from me…
My sisters….Oh Lord.. They are soooooo annoying. Especially the nine year old…the five year old is cute…but the nine year old….GOD>HELP>ME!!!! She is a freking smart ass! She always gets me in trouble for no reason…she got me grounded for 2 months..she thinks she is like 50 years old or something. She just bugs the crap outta me! but again..i gotta live with her..and its torture…Every little things she does gets on my nerves…
Anyway.. Iwill post my goals for this year…maybe on a different page…who knows..I’m so proud of myself for not having left this blog..i think i will keep it upp…i hope anyway…things aren’t as busy for me right now so we will see what happens when i get back from school…
i don’t understand how people write pages and pages of stuff when they blog..I always have something to say…but when it comes down to it i can’t type anything down!!
I’m pretty depressed…vacation is almost over…and i hate my school….
While on the computer today i came across an article about a prisoner on death row recieving a final meal. Incase anyone doesn’t know what death row is, it is a cellblock in a prison where those who are condemned to death await excecution. The article said that certain prisons allow the prisoner to request a final meal before they die. In the article there was a long list of people’s last requests. There were alot of bizzare requests like 13 candybars and a Coca-Cola. This made me wonder: what would i request as my final meal if i were in this situation?
I probably wouldn’t eat. But if i did, i think i would have fries and an In-N-Out shake. Just because they are comfort foods. My question to anyone who is reading this..what would you have as your last meal?
Okay first… Hapy almost New Year! My resolution is to keep up with this at least one day every week
Another thing I forgot to add something about my Username (leadstains). It is based on something I wrote that i think boosted my self-esteem a little bit and it encourages me to be a better person,friend, and to not be so hard on myself. Here it is:
“This pencil in my hand is the key to my front gate. To my world. In my head. Every mark I make is a true beautiful stain that will stay there until i decide to remove it from my mind, and thoughts. I wished i could could remove people (like an eraser) but i have learned people make me better. No matter how much i feel like erasing them from my life, i know i can’t because they have already served a part in my life that i cannot replace. They will make me be who i would like to be. They will push me harder and make me better though i may dislike some of them. I feel i have been neglected, but i know it is just part of the road. I will no longer let myself be put down and stomped on until i am filled with mud and tears running down my face. Nor will i let anyone tell me i don’t deserve a chance. I am precious. Everyone is. And it took me until today to figure that out. God will one day call us to Him, but until then i will be marking this piece of paper that i write on with my lead stains.”
Don’t tell me it’s stupid. I am aware it is. It jsut made me feel alot better that i had something to look forward to..and that is letting myself be heard..even if it is through a piece of paper or keys on a keyboard.
On that note ..it is 11:35 over here in Cali…and i have a basketball tournament tomorrow ): soooo goodnight
